smallfishbigwaves's Blog

I need help with something so any advice would be appreciated:

I am American. My boyfriend of 3 years is British. the visa/working permits for both our countries are very strict and pricey. In the past i have made changes to my life to accomidate his lack of freedom. when i say freedom i meen he didnt have a lot of options and flexability when it came to moving accross the world and such because he was in his last year of school and i was just starting my second. I didnt mind packing everything up and moving to a university in england. i enjoyed it emmensly. I loved the freedom of being independant and of managing my own finaces and such. I also loved being around him. But my work permit ran out and i wasnt able to apply for a new one because i do not have a college degree. but my boyfriend does have a college degree and he says that he is currently in the process of trying to find someone to sponser him so that we can live together in america but he says that he will not just take any job and that he wants to be happy with what he is doing. which i understand completely but im worried that he will not find anything and then not come. my problem is that i dont think that he is putting in enough time and effort and that he doesnt really want to make the move. I also dont think that he has a degree that is in high demand over here (glorified gym teacher) he says that he loves me and that he wants to do it but i just dont feel he is 100% into it. And i feel guilty bringing it up all the time because i dont want to pressure him into doing something that he doesnt want to do but at the same time i will be crushed if he doesnt come. I dont know how much longer i can last being away from him. He is my match. i know that sounds so corny but he is my best friend i talk to him every day about everything and sometimes we just dont talk at all just so that we can 'be'. he makes me happy and im addicted to it. if he doesnt come then i will be lost and i really dont want to be alone. even right now i cannot bear myself to think of what i am going to do with myself/ with us if he doesnt come.

I have told him all of this many times and he says that he is doing all that he can. and i believe him but there is that nagging little voice in the back of my head saying 'what if'

so right now im trying to think of a back up plan. but i have a delima: if i do something then that ment that he did nothing again. and that i am putting in all the work and making all of the changes. meaning that i am more commited to this relationship than he is. but on the other hand i really love him and i will do anything to be with him but i dont want to get there and then have him feel like he cant dump me because i moved half way around the world again to be with him.

i just need advice or words of wisdom from people who have ither been in this situation before or know what to do or just words of encourgment. please.

i just realized i have a problem. my boyfriend is very trusing and lets me go on his facebook. well i just untagged him in pictures of him with his ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. why do i do stuff like that.

i vow that i will no longer be a jelous bitch. he gives me no reason not to trust him. i need to stop.

i just want to shout, throw a fit, scream, beat the hell out of something, cry, freak out.

DO I EVEN MATTER !! What is wrong with me. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so angry and hurt and i dont know why! i am all alone.

i some times feel that because i am by myself i am depressed. when i am by myself i think about everything and then that causes me to get depressed or worried unnecessarily. but then when i want to go and not be by myself noone will hang out with me or return my calls. what have i done to diserve this? i realize that people have other things that are going on in their lives that are important but i think i diserve to be called back even if it is to say that that person cannot talk right now. anything. im not some thing that you can just throw to the side and forget.

and my boyfriend. because he is half way accross the world i feel really alone. my thoughts about him are progressivly becomming more and more obscure. i have no reason not to trust him and he says that he is faithful but then when i see him dancing with someone that i have told him many times that i flat out hate i feel like what i said didnt matter to him...and that was when i was in the same country as him!! what is he doing now! and when i told him about how i felt he told me that i was being silly and that i was making him angry because i didnt trust him. and i hate myself for making him angry when i can tell that he is i immediatly back down and resolve what ever it is we were fighting about but then, like right now, i cannot stop thinking about it and about how angry i feel that i just backed down. it makes me angry that i feel this way and that i cannot get him to understand how i feel. he just gets angry at himself and it is way worse than when i get angry at myself. i just dont know what to do. i dont even know

and i know that this doesnt make any sence but it is making me so angry. and i have noone to talk to because who else is going to understand it if i cant even understand it. all i know that i am angry and frustrated and SICK AND TIRED of my life. i dont want to be here i want to be somewhere else. if i had all the money in the world i would by myself and island and just go there whenever i felt like this.

i keep feeling like i need to escape but there is nothing in my life that is horrible enough to want it. i dont diserve to escape/dont have the money/i dont have a clue

im lost

one hour ago i was filled with so many negative emotions that i was overwelmed and crying. i joined this website to get all of the feelings off of my chest. but now i am to exausted to do it.

short history about me: i was a very happy child, good parents good life, got everything i wanted and more still do. went to college did my first year everything was still amazing. had a really good friend amazing times together. went off to summer camp met this guy fell in love. went back to college..(still with guy) but major depression hits me suddenly. crying all the time no energy to do anything. lost my will to be social. lost my scholarship had to move back home. hated it. did a 1/2 year of college at my home university then decided to do a year in england with my boyfriend...i loved it. the depression started to back off. but now im back home again because england wouldnt let me renew my visa. and i can just feel my depression comming back.

i hope that me talking about it will help. i am going to the doctors next week because i really hate myself and the way i make others feel when i am like this. and knowing that it effects my boyfriend of soon to be 3 years also makes me feel even worse.

this is just a short summary of how i feel..this doesnt even skim the surface of the emotional tormoil that i am going through right now i am just so tired because of the hour of mental crisis i just went through.

i dont even know what i am expecting by posting this.